I used to sprinkle sugar on my cereal, now I sprinkle supplements. I buy expensive food because it says ‘protein’ on the packaging. I drink smoothies for goodness sake! I log and track every calorie and minute of sleep. So why is it that I can’t resist a bloody McDonald’s if someone suggests one to me?

My partner gets upset because he’ll fancy eating out, I’ll join him, I’ll stuff my lil piggy face and feel guilty. I used to resent him for it a little bit. I would get annoyed and blame him for putting the idea in my head despite him knowing how impulsive I am. Let’s face it though, there’s no coercion. I could easily order a salad, or a burger without fries.

But I’m at McDonald’s and “we don’t go that often, I may as well get a meal because we won’t be here again for a while, I’ll get a large one too otherwise I’ll only be hungry later and oh, look! They do a mini McFlurry now, I’ll get one of those, they’re only small” – aaaaaand I’ve blown it. My week’s work and good behaviour, gone. All for the sake of excessive amounts of sodium, white burger buns and chocolate sauce.

I’ve also noticed a sort of indifference sometimes starting to creep in when I’m at the gym. Initially, I couldn’t find any reason for it and then I thought I was ‘just tired’. I rock up yet I don’t wanna rock out. Today, my trainer asked me what was wrong and whether I was feeling fatigued. My body wasn’t tired but my mind was. I told her that I lacked motivation and she disagreed; she said what I lacked was discipline. I didn’t want to admit at first but of course, she’s f*cking right.

Truth be told, at the moment I’m not seeing or feeling any results, and it’s feeling like a big, sh*tty cycle of disappointment. Work out/eat well > get achy/skip treats > look/feel the same. I don’t think I’m chasing numbers too much but I want to improve at a quicker rate, or at least feel like I’m making a bit more progress but I suppose there’ll be no change whatsoever if I don’t get on with it.

I guess the only thing left to do is to try and convince myself that consistency is key. That and to stop being a whiny lil bitch and to get the job done. I got this.

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